Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Need A Hook?: "The Immaculate Erection"

Need A Hook?: "The Immaculate Erection":      A few months ago, me and my wife were at a doctors appointment of mine.  Now, I've had my fair share of medical diagnosis over the yea...

Need A Hook?: "Grunt Man Just Grunt"

Need A Hook?: "Grunt Man Just Grunt":      My wife is a "Direct Support Professional".  But, in my words, she takes care of 3 retards.  She doesn't like when I put it that way. ...

Need A Hook?: The King of What?

Need A Hook?: The King of What?:      One day my kid brother who is kinda naive.  He's just not like a joking around type of person, ya know.  When he says something he mea...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Need A Hook?: "Grunt Man Just Grunt"

Need A Hook?: "Grunt Man Just Grunt":      My wife is a "Direct Support Professional".  But, in my words, she takes care of 3 retards.  She doesn't like when I put it that way. ...

Monday, March 12, 2012

The King of What?

     One day my kid brother who is kinda naive.  He's just not like a joking around type of person, ya know.  When he says something he means it.  Anyway, me, my mother, and him we were talking.  And my brother looked at my mom right in the eyes with all seriousness.  And he says "mom did you know Michael Jackson used to be black?"  Now, I truly can not tell you how serious he was about this statement.  However, he is kinda right.  I mean the fucker is more white, I guess.  I don't know what the answer is.  Is the fucker white or black?  Or, is he a fucking chameleon?  Who fucking knows.  Some "off white" gothic looking freak.  What a scary mother fucker though, and of course he "just loves little kids".  I mean if I was a kid and that freaky mother fucker approached me I would get the fuck away.  And probably wonder if I just had a close encounter with something from some freak ass planet called "Jacko".  Like "Hey kiddies want to come to Jacko's house to play".  Fuck no, not unless jacko finds a plastic surgeon that works on humans cause I just can't hang with that alien looking mother fucker.  I probably would just get stuck staring at him.  Thinking "what is this fucking thing".  Who created such a freak?  I just want to know where was he trying to go with that fucking nose.  Looks like he had a mason chiseling away at it.  A little more off the left, oh and a little more off the right.  Oh shit, now what I don't have nothing left to chisel.  Just a big point at the end.  It's pretty much voodoo to become the king of any fucking thing.  We had the "King of Rock"  Elvis Presley he goes out as a fat, outta shape, junky slumped over the shitter.  Then, the "King of Pop" transforms from a young black superstar to a frail, white, alien looking mother fucker.  Who by the way, might molest young Johnny.  Oh and a junky also.  Fuck being the king of anything.  But, maybe being the king of something a little off track wouldn't be so bad.  Well, a lot off track but who cares.  Maybe something not in musical entertainment but in another form of entertainment.  So, how about the "King of Dildo"s".  Because seriously if I attain that who can trump it?  I'll start a god damn "dildo empire".  I will be the creator of the greatest and real as it could possibly be dildo.  Why not?  You know one that senses real emotions and reacts, talks, walks, and more.  You start talking too much during sex and dildo gets limp.  But rub that bastard right way and you got a dildo that's jacked up on viagara ready for action.  Make that fucking dildo mobile.  Crawling like an inch worm, ya know.  You got your friends over "hanging out" and your dildo just happens to crawl up on to them.  How fucking weird would that be?  Like Amber, Is that a cock that just crawled by me.  Looking like the realest penis you ever saw. Just have cocks crawling all over the fucking place.  Amber, your dildo has a boner and it won't leave me alone.  Well Jill, he likes you.  If you start bitching he will crawl away.  Little dildo just crawling around the house no big deal.  I mean I always say it's 2012, I see some of these toys they make for kids these days.  And I know it.  We have the technology.  We cam make this boner move.  "Get a long lil' boner".  So what do we call our top of the line 2012 "All Star Dildo"?  How about "Tickle Me Boner"?  Sounds quaint.  Now, this cock would be programmed to say things like, "no your not fat, baby".  "Your but looks good in those jeans".  "No baby, I wasn't at the titty bar with the other dildo's, I swear".  You know all the bullshit you feed your wife.  I would advertise the shit out of my dildo.  "This beautiful dildo will even stay up and listen to your annoying ass after sex.  It's the one part of your man that you needed without the attachment of your man.  Besides, you couldn't stand that asshole anyway.  Think of this, your just sitting their in your seat.  Your at the theatre, watching a movie or even better, your favorite comedian.  And in crawls this real as real gets penis.  Just inch worming his little head closer to you.  You look over, and think god damn is that a penis?  What the fuck?  That is a god damn penis.  Honey look, there's a penis crawling on the floor over there.  Well, what's it doing? she replies.  I don't know babe, but a god damn cock just crawled right by me like a god damn inch worm.  What do I say to that?  I just want to know what a person says to something like that.  Then I would just let loose a god damn "flock of cocks" or, a "Cock Flock".  Let them boners roll up in that theatre and see what kind of reactions we get.  Parents would be rushing their kids out of there kids saying "mommy what were those things?"  Honey, it was rats, or mice, just don't worry about it.  Conspiracy theorists would be saying "I knew it the mayan calendar said something about a cock invasion in the end times".  Women would be reluctant to leave.  Yeah, maybe I'll just slip one in my purse real quick, got it".  Guys, you know we would be out the door saying "damn this shit turned into a damn sausage party.  Everytime I get a girl I got fight off 500 other penises, nothing new.  

"Grunt Man Just Grunt"

     My wife is a "Direct Support Professional".  But, in my words, she takes care of 3 retards.  She doesn't like when I put it that way.  So whatever, 3 mentally challenged individuals?  Is that better, honey?  Anyway, she brings one of these retarded bastards home one day.  And probably the biggest pain in the ass they got up there.  He's running all over the fucking house grunting, moaning, and you know just being a retard.  So the goofy fucker runs up on me all grunting and shit.  So, I say honey what does this fucker want?  Because, I haven't been schooled in the "Grunt" language.  I don't speak grunt babe what's he want?  She replies, "Oh he has to poop".  So she shows me this hand gesture.  She says do that and let him in the bathroom.  So, I walk up to this fucker I do the little hand gesture she showed me.  And this nut looks at me serious as all hell and gives me the "jerking off" gesture.  I'm like what the fuck?  Honey, does that mean he needs to "jerk off"?  Or, is this nut calling me a jerk off?  I don't know, can't we just go back to the grunting?  That wasn't as weird as this scene is, maybe we can make more progress grunting.  She says, no it's fine, he's just got to poop.  So, what does old Willy do when he's got to piss?  Does he strap on some chaps and a pitch fork and start the whole jerking off shit again?  Grunt Willy, Grunt your retarded little head off.  I'm just saying, where does she find the patience for this shit?  I mean all day 3 retards running around the house grunting, moaning, pissing, shitting, "air-jerking"?  What a group of winners boy.  I mean it's like a little posse of monkeys running around throwing poop at you doing "God knows what else".  If I had my way I would take the retards, the amish, the midgets, and just so they would have a leader Barrack Obama.  And I would send them packing to some far off remote island.  Give them, I don't know, a month.  Then, come back and check their "progress".  And their you could find yourself a retarded-amish-midget running wild.  Grunting their weird little head off all damn day.  And for Barrack, he would just be "not doing well at something else".  He does well with that despite the surroundings.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Need A Hook?: It's an "Automated Wonderland"

Need A Hook?: It's an "Automated Wonderland":      Don't you just love the fact, that reaching a human being on the phone these days is "mission fucking impossible"?  I know they made a...